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I don't score with every prospect, but tend to make out all right once I make myself available. I think it has to do with having a different upbringing (both parents from Mexico) and going to college in a predominantly female liberal arts college, plus a bit of military duty to boot, that makes me more open to the differing needs of women from different upbringings.
Funny that I also tend to date women who were not raised in TX, which does not surprise me because I will get the most criticism from "locals" for thinking and talking to much. The women here really like to complain that there men don't talk, but absolutely hate it when they do; they lose their train of thought when you interrupt their talking.
XXX/A
It's this undercurrent that makes NYC not the place for touchy feely people. Sure there are a million things to do in NYC. But if your looking for warm and fuzzy.....he's laying by the side of the road, beaten and robbed.
I'll give you an example. I met a girl freshman year of HS she was jamaican and in the US visiting relatives. Really sweet girl....Eventually we lost touch....( she lived in Jamaica....I lived in NJ, I was 13, I'm surprised my attention span lasted long enough for us to get as close as we did.) I ended up finding her again many years later, she had been married and divorced. and was living on the upper east side working for Sotheby's. I went to meet he and we hung out at her "flat" with the 4 walls of her apartment she was completely comfortable. We rolled around watched psuedo porn on cable and ate chinese food it was great. She was the person I remembered. But as soon as we walked out the door....
her shoulders tightened, face went to blank almost hostile, and her fists clenched. You would never know this was the person I spent the better part of last night spooning with.
My point is that the city has its uses, but it does change certain types of people.
I'm going to go and get all " manlogic " on you .....Perhaps you should move to the suburbs and commute to the city.
PS I know what you mean.........I took 2 trains and a bus to do some quality "spooning"
;)
Still...I would have never dreamed that was necessary in that city.
That sounds like a pretty good batting average to me. I think the glass is a little better than half full in your case.
Alicia
http://todaystyle.today.com/
I like your steez/style, FBC, but maybe, just maybe it is your spirit tingling as oppose to your anatomy, IMHO of course.
But thanks for making this post. I think the I've been confusing my desire to have a boyfriend with the desire to be touched/fucked...lol thanks for clearing that up for me!
Great blog and you have a new fan!
Cities can be toxic. I had terrible luck in Cali, mediocre luck in Texas but always found sexy ladies in NYC. Your vibe and the city can definitely be out of wack. I am living in Helsinki, Finland for 6 months and I am trying to like stringy haired white girls but its a hard sell.
Dont look, it will find you. Until then hit the nearest sex shop...no shame in your game....
Dallas Black
thirtyhood.blogspot.com
Smile, you are gorgeous and intelligent and funny. That Thoracic Surgeon who wants you to spank him is just around the corner..
Very nice blog you have here. Found your blog after searching information for relationships. Thanks for the great info!
My name is Irene and I’m involved in an online site called ‘A woman’s mind at http://awmtv.com which provides videos relating to relationship advice as well as forums, etc.
I was hoping that you would have a minute to check out the site and perhaps if you liked what you saw… put a link on your blog?
I may be going out on a limb by asking you for promotional help through your blog, but I hope you find awmtv.com to be as news worthy/helpful as I perceive it to be. There’s still a lot of new things to come up on it, but hope you like what you see!
Thanks for your time :)
Best,
Irene
It was when I moved back down to Florida that the supply dried up and it's been a year and the only relationship that I have maintained was with a convicted felon with a pregnant (okay, maybe not pregnant, but she will be soon if he is not careful) 13-year-old daughter. Le sigh.
I don't know if it is necessarily related to NYC itself. Maybe the ratio to good guys vs. shitastic douchebags is just a really sucky one.
lamesabassman..... and, how come I didnt get the Memo......
i find maintaining relationships in barcelona (where i've lived for the last 7 months) much more challenging. the locals (the catalans) REALLY don't want to get attached to foreigners because they are very traditional and rarely ever move away from their families. foreigners are either on vacation or just passing through. finding real relationships, platonic or romantic, is like finding that proverbial needle in the haystack.
for if you always get what you want.. but never deal with fact that you never get
what you need..... 'cause you always let your ego lead the way..... when you reside
in a city full of hunters.... there is no role reversal ..... if you don't get what you need as you go.... you wont get much..... and you will always be asking the eternal question..... " Why me....." if you refuse to filter the cheese.... you will be doomed to eat a slice..... and it will always be limburger .......
lamesabassman........ please pass the Gray Poupon.....
http://zen-denizen.blogspot.com/2007/07/attack-...
A) you love where you live for more reasons than you do not!
B) -- see A. --
It's the whole pros & cons thing going on here. If ever the times come when the food, museums and international complexity aren't enough- run like hell.
Keep the faith FBC!
~blk
During past gripes about my issues with finding/meeting/dating men, I've heard explainations ranging from consequences of the womens' movement, to intimidation due to race (I am of brown skin, and most of the men 'round here are not), to inclimant weather, to my ipod.
Maybe there's a grain of truth to all of that, but I think the issue of perpetual singleness is greater than any of the above. I think first world society is evolving far beyond what human biology was meant to stand up to.
I may be straying a bit too far from the spirit of this post, so I'll stop there. Let's just call this food for thought.
I've had some really terrific dates here, both fun and free, and the sweeping stuff of romance.
You're a smart, foxy dame. I see no reason why you shouldn't be getting dates. So what if the women outnumber the men? Cream rises to the top.
@ Pete: I mean the "type" of dating life I prefer right now, a committed relationship.
@ antonio: And, this post love you. ;) I soooo need to make a trip abroad to see you someday. I can't believe we lived in Amsterdam 8 years ago. DAMN, time flies.
@ dkzone: You're funny. :) And, yeah, I know what you mean. New York is a dangerous city. Hell, I'm from Chicago and our crime rate was certainly MUCH higher than New York's. When tourists approach me with that "Do you know where ___ is?" stuff, I TOTALLY clinch my fists, stiffen and get that maniacal "Don't you fucking try to fuck with me. Seriously, don't fucking test me!" look. So, yeah, I don't need (or want) the whole city and/or random strangers to be all lovey-dovey & warm and fuzzy with me. Just a dude, one dude, "my" dude. We haven't found each other yet.
@ Peggy b.: Yeah, the demographics will shift and they'll be more men again eventually. There was a time when men outnumbered women here; it'll happen again.
@ Baba Doodlius: Good point. I tend to expect everything to be perfect in a city. "Ah, this place would be perfect if it wasn't for ___." I'm learning that place, much like people, have flaws.
@ Alicia: SO TRUE.
@ Souky: Sweets, you've got it all wrong. I'm not over 35, I'm over 45!! ;) Joking, of course. I'm younger than both those ages, but I'll make no comment about your mysogynistic / ageist remarks. Suffice it to say, I think you *TOTALLY* missed the point of the post. Your example of touch ("lets say through the random act of f*cking random men") demonstrates exactly that.
@ Syd: I think a lot of people make that mistake. There's a difference between being horny, craving generic touch and desiring a relationship. Sometimes those things match up, sometimes they don't.
@ Dallas Black: THANKS for getting down with the funky brown!!! I love it when new readers leave comments. :) Added your blog to my feed reader. LOVED your post about the $5 gift card. :)
@ don: Ooooh, you said, "you are gorgeous and intelligent and funny." Flattery will get you everywhere. :) And, YES, how did you know I have a thing for Thoracic Surgeons!?!?!? ;)
@ irene: I'll check in out. Thanks!
@ Britni: I used to hate New York, and I routinely told friends, "I could never live in that crazy city!!!" Times change. I'll blog about my NYC hate --> love tragectory some day. Oh, and by the way, LOVE the phrase "shitastic douchebags."
@ lamesabassman: Not sure.
@ earnest nyc: Several folks have said that.
@ ieishah: Ah, Americans dating in Europe. THERE'S something I could writing about for AGES!!!! I lived over there for a period of 4 years. Crazy tales.
@ Zen: Yeah, I remember that article. I wrote about it. Here's the post and the image of the cover: http://funkybrownchick.com/2007/06/28/whats-you....
@ blkirish: I was gonna say, "I have a friend Mags who lives in the city and would totally disagree with you." But, then I noticed she already commented below. :) THANKS for the encouragment. And, you've got a good point about the good outweighing the bad. For now, it's no contest: New York wins. It's truly a great city.
@ Cat: I'm originally from the Midwest. Three cheers for corn-fed girls!!! :) And, yeah, I agree that almost all of those things (weather, brown skin, your iPod) could affect dating -- especially your iPod. More on that later.
@ Brenz: Exactly; it's EASY to meet people here. Thanks for the "smart, foxy dame" stuff. I appreciate it.
@ Mags: Woot!!! Hold up, hold up. What's going on?!!? Since when have you started reading and commenting on my blog again?!?! ;) Hey, I tried to call you last night but you were already asleep. Let's partyline on Saturday!!! (Going to the Esquire party then a dinner date tonight and I've got Fashion Week stuff on Friday.)
okay??!! i've been in europe on and off for the last decade . . . but for the craziness, spain takes the cake! wait--i haven't lived in italy yet, so i take that back!
Men in their late 20's still living at home with moms, they have to much baby mama drama, so stuck on themselves because they know they got it going on, or just plain stupid.
Where are the single black men that have the same credentials we have. Single, no kids, educated, fun, and not afraid of commitment.
When you find where they hang out... please spread the word!
I'm back in NY and while I meet men, nothing sticks. It's sad. I think men have a lot of options here so many are non-commital. Also many are focused on their career etc. It's tricky and I'm not sure what the solution. It's product and market. Make sure you have a good product and market it - though i think even without a good product, good marketing does wonders;) This guarantees you will meet someone but not necessarily they stick though volume should do the trick;) I hear you loud and clear. Moving also with the intentions of finding someone is unlikely to do the trick too. Though it seems like the gals I know who live in smaller cities after grad school have gotten engaged quickly.
It wasn't until I read some essays by Michael Eric Dyson did I realize the gap in education/career between brothers and sisters--and some of the inherent stress that it may cause.
But I know a couple of good cats that are doing pretty damn fine and support monogamy. Granted, it aint many, but they're out there ;)
Actually, I lie. I've been in relationships of some kind for 5 of the 8 years I've been here. But those dry spells in-between? UGH.
There are quite a few Good on Paper types here. But you'll also find a lot of black men who believe the ratio hype (it's not 8:1) and are totally stuck on themselves and inflate their worth as a result. And -- in my experience at least -- finding non-black men who date black women is hard.
But I think what you're describing is pretty common in major cities. And those cities aren't half as cool as New York :-).
@ Eb: Yeah, you're DEFINITELY not on your own. Tons of women (and men!) feel the same way.
@ Nathalie: Good luck!
@ Jeffrey Wilson: You single??? Maybe we can make a long distance love connection on here, and hook you and EB up. :)
@ tiffany: You said, "finding non-black men who date black women is hard." Oh, I've found several of those guys. They're great. ;)
Don't know why you think the problem is exclusive to women. You should walk a few city blocks in my shoes (SWM). I have plenty of friends and lot of social interaction. Decent looking average guy that is doing pretty well. However, what I see is that I am not doing well enough for the Wall St set. I am not hip enough for the East Village (this goes for Williamsburg and Park Slope Brooklyn too). To straight for the West Village. I am too white for for Chinatown (even thought I did have a 2 year relationship with a Chinese Woman). Not West Indian or latin enough for countless other neighborhoods. I could cover every neighborhood in or adjacent to Manhattan. I know this seems like I am stereotyping, but it is all true. It seems like many of the women I see will not step out of there cultural boundaries or are falling for the same tired lies told to them my the gazillion players out there. Thinking this time they will turn out to be true. Only to be disappointed again. Mean while they consider the "real thing" to be too vanilla and not exciting enough. Most likely filling them in the "Friends" folder. Believe me when I tell you that it is much more difficult for honest and sincere men than you could ever understand. I guess what I am really saying is "I feel you". Keep up the hope, as I will be doing the same.
@ Urban Diva: Couldn't agree with you more, it's EASY to date here. Just a bit harder to find the righth guy for "me" (i.e. I'm done with the short-term, shallow rels.)
@ ieishah: I've never lived in Italy, when I lived in the UK and Holland, I traveled throughout the Italy and I speak a tiny bit of the language. I used to have a weird fetish thing for Italian men.
@ Chuck: Okay, this get's back to my "Who's Single Life Sucks More?" post: http://funkybrownchick.com/2007/08/21/men-vs-wo... :) And, I'm with you on keeping hope alive!! :)
@ Jason: Yeah, I think we're on the same page! :)
@ Lee Lee: I don't think it's about age, I think it's more about how bitter we do or don't let ourselves become. I was waaaaay more optimistic in my teens. Good news? I'm less naive. Bad news? Sometimes maybe I'm TOO untrusting.
Of course, I also know single women in the same boat...
So the challenge, I think, isn't that ratio we hear so often in the media--the number of single women versus the number of single men-- but in finding that one person you really click with and want to share part of your life with.
i guess we just have to try harder :/
Take a look at these:
http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/2007/07/06/144...
http://creativeclass.com/rfcgdb/articles/Go%20W...
http://geography.about.com/b/2007/01/23/single-...