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People can be assholes. I am not a patient person, and I don't understand it. I don't get what is so fucking weird and threatening and scary and "gross" about SEX for fuck's sake!! Grow the hell up, assholes, and stop taking your insecurities out on the rest of us.
Hugs, if you want 'em Twanna.
That being said, I think as a woman, its really easy to throw the "slut" word around. As a big fag, people already assume the worst because I'm making out with guys. Making a leap to a threesome isn't that big a deal, I think.
A friend (from another country, natch) once said: "When you're hungry, you eat. When you're horny, you fuck. What's the big deal?" And as I get older and gain some introspection, I tend to agree with him.
Though the 'rules' I list in my blog are aimed at men, women should take heed to some of them and get comfortable with being sexually-expressive. There is baggage that comes along with being a free-spirit that can not be avoided. People that envy you will try to attach negative labels on your style or outright slam you. People that are not capable of matching or understanding your swagger will criticize it in order to feel better about their own inabilities or inadequacies. Should you slow your roll so those folks can keep up with you?
It kind of reminds me of the argument that I often hear from women: when they act\behave like men, they get called b-words or sluts and feel like they are being treated unfairly. However, they forget that they call men dicks, pricks, assholes and jerks. We don't get a free pass on our 'unacceptable' behavior, contrary to popular belief. The trick is letting that stuff slide off your back and being at peace with yourself! If someone calls you a slut, tell them you are an ETHICAL SLUT and keep on doing your thing. Maybe turn it back at them and ask them why they are so prudish and force them to defend their inability to be imaginative and adventurous...
Have a FAB time in the Hamptons, drink a lot, don't cry and if you feel like it: get some. And if you don't, that's fine too. People need to realize that sexually free doesn't mean sexually "free."
I hope you have a fabulous weekend. And I hope you look back on that threesome as the first of many, if that's the way you want it to be, and that when you do, you can smile.
The young ones will always be intimidated. The older ones realize that you are just what they want. The right man for you will be ready to share his life with someone who can match his witt, his intellect, and his libido. Until you find him, FUCK 'EM!
x
I'm not going to tell you to let it slide off or don't cry or anything like that. If that's what you need to do to get it out your system, do it. Because I know how much it hurts to have people judge you and treat you as "less than" because you're different or on the fringe or whatever. But just know that you probably inspire people a hell of a lot more than you intimidate them.
At least you inspire me. Keep on keeping on.
I understand that it hurts. Being sexually free and sticking to that freedom can be VERY LONELY. Lonely in the sense that you can't find a match, or relationships come\go very fast, or dealing with the rumors\labels, etc... If you want to MAINTAIN your freedom, you have to build a thicker skin and let it slide. Otherwise, you will get stuck constantly defending yourself or completely surrender to 'vanilia-dom'.
Haters who are just projecting their own sexual insecurities onto you.
Brush your shoulders off girlfriend.
How many of the same people would have had identical reactions had a man posted that?
People sit on so many secrets that I think there is some jealousy when they find others who don't feel like they have to hide their complexities.
There isn't anything wrong with you. You're an open-minded, go-getter who isn't afraid to share the truth about your life. I'd love to clone you.
But then again, some humans can be pretty nice. And believe it or not, there are some guy humans out there who are not intimidated by strong, independent women. Some of said humans even live in New York City. So just be yourself, have fun, and do what makes you happy. The rest will work itself out.
Have a fun Hamptons!
(What exactly is a "Hampton", anyway?)
Do you, don't change who you are to be accepted by your friends. I'd be willing to bet $$$$ tha they only reacted that way b/c you're out doing the things they wish they had the balls to do.
I think the primary question you're asking is in the third paragraph: Why the hell is it so fucking hard to find a man who can handle an extroverted, outgoing, sexually comfortable woman without getting totally fucking freaked out?
I'll try to answer this from a man's perspective (and not necessarily MY perspective, but the perspective of most American men). A woman who is sexually adventurous is considered a slut by most men. Since slut is a word that I don't like and lacks usefulness because people define it different ways, I'll define what I mean by slut. A slut is a woman that a man will have sex with, but he will not marry. No man wants to make a slut into a wife.
So, what behaviors will put a woman into the slut catagory? Here are a few:
- If you're under 30, having a lifetime number of sexual partners that require double digits to count. Despite a few women who report much higher numbers, the median value for the number of sexual partners an American woman has is about 4 (although this number varies depending on the study, but it is around 4). So, I think that men can understand a woman whose vagina has had four or five (MAYBE six) penises go before them, but any more means the man is venturing into slut territory. You get a little more wiggle room if you're over 30, but running out of fingers to count your number of sexual partners is really not a good look for a woman at any age. Again, I am talking about MOST men (and not about my personal beliefs).
- Having sex with more than one person at a time. Since most women don't have threesomes (or foursomes, fivesomes, etc.) as their first sexual experience, the road to multiple simultaneous sexual partners usually mean violating the first point.
- Contracting an STD. Again, since the best way to catch a sexually transmitted disease is having sex with multiple people, this signals to a man (if, of course, you tell him) that not only have you probably had a large number of sexual partners, but at least one of left a quaint viral or bacterial gift behind. And STD's are usually the types of gifts that keep on giving.
- Wearing clothing that emphasizes and reveals your breasts, butt, and legs. Most American men still see good girls as dressing modestly (keeping the goods hidden) and bad girls as putting their wares out in the open.
Yes, many of these reasons I've listed are due to antiquated Puritan thinking, but they are a reality in our country. Also, yes, there is definitely a double standard because men who rack up sexual partners or manage to have multiple partners at once are usually congratulated by society. I wrote a blog post about this (which I hope you don't mind me linking to: http://www.transmyth.com/anjuansimmons/?p=42). To summarize that post, there are biological and chemical reasons that emphasize these sexist attitudes. First, sex, by design, does not favor the penetrated partner when it comes to STD's. So, women (and, also, gay men who are "bottomers") are more susceptible to sexual infections. Therefore, a woman who has an inordinate number of sexual partners is seen to be engaging in reckless behavior. Also, the secretion of oxytocin during female orgasm facilitates bounding emotions in most women. Women, who have a large number of sexual partners are going against this natural process which bonds women to men and keeps most women's sexual partner count low. I high sexual partner count subconsciously scares most men. This is due to the stereotype that sexually adventurous women are emotionally damaged in some way and, therefore, probably wouldn't make good long term partners of loving mothers.
That was a long response, but, basically, having a large number of sexual partners (or, being perceived as such) or engaging in activities like threesomes simply raises red flags in the minds of American men. Yes, they will probably have fun with you (like sex, party, etc), but they probably won't want to do much more. You have shown yourself to be a toy and not a tool. Yes, this is not fair, but women who dress modestly and have (or at least report) a low (or even zero) number of sexual partners will be seen as good girls by American men and receive the obvious benefits. Women who do the opposite will more than likely endure negative social consequences.
xoxoxox
Hang in there! There ARE men out there who DO embrace strong, extroverted, brilliant, sexually charged women. I know, I found one. If I encounter another, I'll send him to NYC ......
(Holy shit, I unintentionally rhymed. Nice.)
Life is about experiences!!!
Enjoy the Hamptons you lucky devil
xox
It sounds like you're really bothered by how randoms and your friends percieve you - and in all honesty I don't think you've got any valid reason to feel bad about it. You didn't break the law, you didn't hurt anyone in the process and end of the day you didn't second guess yourself or regret it. Most importantly, you were true to yourself (cheesy as that sounds!) and if people can't handle that...well that's their loss isn't it?
All in all, try not to overthink this too much and I hope the time out helps clear your head!
Makes sense?
But...I'm not saying it's not true. I don't doubt it's true for a great many American men. I think part of the problem Twanna's describing is that men lust after the "freaky" girls but can't see past that, and I for one think that's a shame.
T, I'm sorry that you are feeling down, but I think you are one of the most amazing people I know. I don't necessarily think it'll be a breeze, but I wouldn't write off all NY guys just yet. I don't know where the right one for you is, but I think there are still some smart, hot, non-insecure ones out there who can not just handle you, but thrive on who you are. Something I still clearly haven't learned, but I want to, is that you can't please everyone, and you can't try, because the more you do I think the harder it is to be yourself. Have FUN in the Hamptons, which I have no doubt you'll do.
It's love (or lack of) that makes us cry, whether it's from friends, family, or that special person.
This goes out to everyone:
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?
Love is everything it’s cracked up to be.
That’s why people are so cynical about it…
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for,
risking everything for. And the trouble is,
if you don’t risk anything—you’re risking even more.”
--Erica Jong
Chica Dificil to a
Funky Brown Chick!
i aplaude you that you shared your experience so upfront. i personally don't like threesomes, but i don't think there's something pervert about it. greeks used to do orgys all the time and it was a normal thing. so, it's not your fault that the society you live in is so uptight.
anyhow: that description on a slut.... gosh...... sleeping with more than 4 men in being a slut? so i think most women are! and how is it okay for a men to sleep with duzens of women??? i blame religion for the sexual repression. as i said before, the Ancients were a lot more open to sexuality. 2000 and so years later we still see sex and and ugly thing.
well, that's why i love animals so much. as someone stated above, they actually fuck whenever and whomever they want. we just be as free as them. but i think we still have a long road to run...
meanwhile. stick with th people who understands you. judging by these latest comments, we're not so few :)
@ Amber: Wow! Damn did you ever hit the nail on the head! You're right about the "people shock you with their hang-ups when you least expect it" stuff. And, yes, it can be really hurtful when it's from people who actually know you. And, you're spot on with the "stop taking your insecurities out on the rest of us" stuff. I'm much better at it than I used to be, but I'm sooo learning to stop taking on other people's shit. I used to argue, reason, debate, get all fired up, etc about stupid shit with random people. I'm much more likely to walk away now and recognize that whatever issue they're dealing with is just that -- their issue.
@ Wholesome Midwestern Guy: You and Rach bring up good points, "If you ever stop being you, then you are fake. You will not be happy."
@ Derrick: “When you’re hungry, you eat. When you’re horny, you fuck. What’s the big deal?” I love it!!! :)
@ RoninBro: Damn, I hate that word "baggage." It kinda assumes that there are people who don't have it and people who do. Everyone has baggage. Also, what's considered "baggage" varies from person to person. For example, I'd certainly consider someone's "inability to be imaginative and adventurous" baggage. By the way, you said: "People that are not capable of matching or understanding your swagger will criticize it in order to feel better about their own inabilities or inadequacies." You're picking up on a theme that several echo. Other people's shit is their shit.
@ Haute in LA: THANKS! Will def enjoy the beach. And, if Paulie is in the area, I'll enjoy it even more. :)
@ Amber / @ RoninBro: You're both speaking from experience. Amber, you said that you know how it feels when people say shitty stuff, and I believe you. So, thanks for the sympathy. RoninBro, I take it your comment means you're sexually free and you find that very lonely at times. I don't think there are only two choices: "build a thicker skin" or "let it slide" / "defend yourself" or "surrender to vanilla-dom." I think there's a third way: I see absolutely nothing wrong with calling people on their shit. Tell 'em just that, "This is your issue, your shit."
@ Eileen: Thank you, sweetie! :) I really appreciate the kind words.
@ kali: Yeah, stupidity and bullshit annoy me, too. Interesting comment about "friends." Might blog about that in the future.
@ fluffyhelen: Thanks! :) I didn't feel shame. I just was totally surprised / frustrated / irritated that people actually cared.
@ Danielle: You said, "If more people would stop being so scared, they wouldn’t feel a need to take their insecurities out on other people." A while back, in this post, I wrote, "Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about (some) guys’ impressions of me. After all, I’ve always believed that our perceptions of others say more about our own attitudes than they do about other people. For example, if I say that I think David Beckham has a high-pitched voice, that says more about my views on what’s considered an 'appropriately' masculine voice than it does about Davey’s vocal chords." So, yeah, I know already know this stuff but, because I'm human, I sometimes need remedial lessons to relearn stuff I already knew. And, by the way, THANK YOU for the "inspire" stuff; I'm flattered.
@ Desiree: I'm brushing!
@ Lee Coles: You said, "I’m surprised at people’s reactions in this day and age." SO WAS I!!! You asked, "How many of the same people would have had identical reactions had a man posted that?" Very good question.
@ jbrotherlove: That's typically the way it happens, the people who are the MOST judgmental & anti-kink, usually are waaaaay more "scandalous" than the object they're judging. Of course, this all goes back to people projecting their own insecurities. By the way, I absolutely LOVE what you said here, "People sit on so many secrets that I think there is some jealousy when they find others who don’t feel like they have to hide their complexities." I'd love to clone you, too!!!! AUSTIN, baby! We're partying it up again in AUSTIN!!!! Hmmm ... that's a long way away. Maybe you should come to NYC or I should visit you before then.
@ Baba Doodlius: You rock! Thanks for the warm, kind comment. :)
@ Patrice: THANKS for delurking to leave that comment!!!
@ E: I should soooo jack that as my comeback the next time someone pisses me off with their close-minded bullshit. "Fuck you and the boring, repressed sex life you lead." Can I get that as a bumper sticker? Oh, wait! I don't have a car. :)
@ Anjuan: Needless to say, I disagree with antiquated Puritan thinking. But, I'm not gonna spend a bunch of time detailing why because, well, other people's shit is their shit. :) Having said that, I wanna point out one blatant falsity. You mentioned, "the best way to catch a sexually transmitted disease is having sex with multiple people." Getting an STI is like playing the lotto. It doesn't matter how many times you play, it's a matter of getting the right "winning" ticket. I've never had an STI, and I've certainly slept with more than one man. But, as Shanda from MTV's Man and Wife pointed out when I was a guest on the show, she knows a young girl who got infected with HIV during her first sexual experience. One of my (monogamous) female friends got an STI from her cheating boyfriend. Moral of the story? Have sex. Just practice sex safe. Always. Hmmm, I might right a post about sociobiology since this is the second time this shit has reared its ugly hear on this blog. I thought that structural functionalism shit died with Parsons.
@ hdw: I adore you! And, yes, send the clone my way!!
@ Dark Damian: PROFOUND comment. :) Seriously. I love that; thanks!
@ Applejess: THANKS!!!! :)
@ Darwin: You mentioned, "I honestly don’t think you should worry too much about what people think." For the most part, I don't. Hell, damn near everyone I know reads this site. I'm not hiding from anyone. You said, "This sort of reaction is to be expected and I hate to say it but if you didn’t see it coming then you’re being a wee bit naive." I don't think I was being naive (def'n: "showing unaffected simplicity and lack of guile or worldly experience"). Quite the contrary. I live in New York City; I was surprised by my fellow residents' naivety. :) And, for the record, I think everyone cares what people think to SOME extent, yeah? You're anonymous blogger, no? Words posted with no full frontal facial picture to back them up; and, I assume Darwin isn't your real name.
@ Rachel Kramer Bussel: Yes, Puritanical thinking is bullshit -- pure and simple. :) And, thanks for the kind words! I'm still (re)learning the "you can’t please everyone" lessons too.
@ Chica Dificil: Thank you for posting the Erica Jong stuff! :)
@ Amber: THANKS for the link love!
@ Carolina Pereira: You're waaaaay too kind. I'm not famous. I'm just a chick with 10 fingers who knows how to write and type. :) And, yes, email me when/if you're ever in NYC.
Cheers to you for being brave and honest, not only in the chronicles of your experiences but in your feelings too. You are super strong and courageous and don't forget that.
Wishing you lots of fabulocity in the Hamptons and some Paulie to boot ; ).
C
Honestly girl, this is an EXPERIENCE. I daresay this has enlightened you more than any experiences you've had this year! So what if people can't "get it?" If they judge you, it's only because they wonder what it's like, themselves...
I feel sad knowing this has brought you to a place where you possibly doubt your intentions. If they've let you down before, it was only because there was a lesson to be learned. Now is the same - so move on, enjoy your getaway, and use this as the fuel to propel you into tomorrow as the the kickass, strong, capable woman you are. (((HUGS)))
What century are you living in? No one referred to men as sluts when they boasted of "threesomes", partying with Hef, sex w/ twins (urban legend), running trains, and orgies. And what does contracting an STD have to do w/ morality.
A lot of sexual judgement stems from either repression or envy. I haven't met you Anjuan, but Ted Haggard and Larry Craig were pretty judgemental too.
You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about. All of the people that don't understand or have something to say are not true friends or just jealous.
Do what you want, write want you want - be yourself and don't change a thing, because I think awesome and FUNKY!
Ciao,
M.
xxoo
Do what you want, write what you want - be yourself and don’t change a thing, because I think you are awesome and FUNKY!
Ciao,
M.
xxoo
I liked what your friend said about ppl not being able to take you b/c you are open with your sexuality and a good girl at the same time. Ppl like labels, they like to see the good girl do good things and the bad girls do bad things. You should def have all the threesomes you want and stand by your decision no explanations necessary. This post made me think you werent so happy with the choice you made. I think its easier to not get offended when you feel like you were just being yourself. I agree somewhat with Anjuan, well i think i got what he was trying to say, although according to him i think 95% of women are sluts. Men just like to see good girls doing good things and bad girls doing bad things--i think thats just part of our culture. Keep your head up and stand by your choices you are an adult. I hope you not only find a man who loves you for you but also a great time in the hamptons.
xoxo Caitlin
@ wynsters the tigress: THANK YOU! And, yeah, we all have our moments.
@ AmyB: They blocked moi?!?! :) Will think of codewords next time to get past the spam filters. And, yeah, I don't doubt your intentions and I have no regrets. I just had this moment where I was like, "Wow! People are hung up about this?? Is this why I'm single? Are all the guys in NYC really exactly like Anjuan described? Cognitively, I know that's not true for all guys. I just had, you know, "a moment." So, thanks for the hugs!
@ mrsbigg: Ditto!
@ Lee Coles: You said, "A lot of sexual judgment stems from either repression or envy." I think that's very true about life in general!
@ Marcello NYC: I'm staying brown, staying funky!! :)
@ CaitlinNYC: Um, yes, yes and yes. My family, friends, minister, past and present coworkers, high school prom date, the next door neighbor's cat and damn near everyone else who knows me reads this blog ... and, of course, quite a few people who don't know me, too. You mentioned, "This post made me think you werent so happy with the choice you made." Def not the case. I'm not ashamed of what I did and I have no regrets. And, there's nothing to say I wouldn't do it again with different people and/or in a different situation in the occasion arose. Who knows? As I mentioned above, the tears and frustration were due to the brief lapse in sanity when I actually thought ALL guys in New York wanted boring, passive, no-personality women who wouldn't challenge them or expect them to treat them like an equal. Do some guys want that? Oh, abso-fucking-lutely. Do ALL guys want that? No. I had a moment. It passed. I'm better now. THANKS for the good luck wishes and YES I'm looking forward to the Hamptons!! :)
But my opinion, is that people are so closed minded anymore. You'd think that after a while, they would eventually open up. BUT....no.
I am not a slut, but I do have my fair knowledge of sex, relationships, etc. that I will share with anyone if/when the topic comes up or if they need advice. I have no problems with that. I have a friend who is in her late 20's - still a virgin and not very.....exposed to the topics of sex and whatnot. She was asking me questions and I would answer, and then the conversation came to a hault when she says "How many people have you been with, it seems like your OBSESSED with sex"
WTF?!?! Since when did having knowledge and not afraid to talk freely about it equal out to being a whore??? I must have missed that memo.
Stay who you are, FunkyBrown, don't let other people insecurities and ignorace keep you down!
Classic Double Standard.
That's it seriously. If you were a guy no one would have said shit. In fact they would have been congratulating you as opposed to judging you. There is no problem being completely comfortable and responsible about your sexuality. Don't let anyone shame you for it. Especially since they are very likely just repressed and envious.
You do you. As long as you're happy and you aren't hurting anyone else, it's all good. Anyone who has a problem with that can go kick rocks.
That woman doesn't exist.
Thankfully, there are men in the world who understand that. I truly believe that if he's the right one for you, it would matter to him it you slept with him on the first date or the tenth. It wouldn't matter if you had 3 partners or 30.
As a strong willed, extrovert woman who's unashamed of her sexuality, I want to give you a hug. Everyone's said all the sweet, supportive stuff so I'll just say "ditto". I hope you've healed up a bit and are through with the crying while walking down the street stuff. You can't let them affect you like that. It's their problem.
There's also the other side of me that wants to shake you (gently) and feels I should remind you that America was founded by THE PURITANS--it was so supposedly sexually and morally corrupt in Britain 400 years ago that they had to get out and start their philosophy on new soil. Let that marinate for a minute.
So, if you choose to expose yourself, expect a lot of grief. Mostly, not so much because you did it but because you weren't ashamed of it. (and don't think that those most shocked by your admission and waving a finger at you didn't get a little moist or stiff thinking about it). So please, dear god, PLEASE never let me see you ever write another explanation post as to why you did it, and how you're not that freaky, blah blah blah. That's not your job to clarify yourself. Whatsmore, it's beneath you.
Expect the worst but embrace the best.
We still got your back.
There's nothing wrong with being a freak. There is something wrong with the people that call others that as a negative connotation. Prick are prudes. It definitely is true that American suck-iety does itself harm by being prickly and self righteous. I say that as a American, by the way. Other countries don't have this hangup over sex, nudity, etc. It's crazy. Sex should not be this taboo, hidden idea that's only talked about in the shadows.
I think I've said enough, plus I can't remember what else I was going to say anyway.
Bottom Line:
I love coming to your site because you are you. And that better not change or else I'll have to send someone up there to give YOU a spanking....hey, wait. :)
Have a (*VIRTUAL HUG*), beautiful!
@ Grace: THANKS! And, where have I been? I hadn't heard "kick rocks" yet.
@ Lele: Interesting point! And, yeah, random sidenote, my longest relationship was with a guy that I slept with on the first date. Granted, we'd been friends for nearly a year so we already knew each other. But, you know, I'm just saying. ;)
@ Peggy b.: You rock!! Thanks. :)
we're all so busy hiding our secrets that we forget everyone has at least one.
you thru the night..... is alright......
'cause one person's ceiling is another's floor they should'nt hate you
'cause they aint you when you are blessed with more....
lamesabassman..... you cant please everyone.. so it's best to please yourself....
Thats my usual filter on how I view others in life. Wish I could apply that to myself but I digress. You are correct that everyone was adults and willing participants. So be comfortable, whether you choose to play or no longer have such encounters it is up to you.
Love yourself first and foremost...
@Rachel Kramer Bussel, @Lee Coles: I said in my post that these are not necessarily my views. My point was to describe (right or wrong) what a lot of American men think about women who engage in certain behavior. I agree that this type of thinking can be damaging (and even dangerous). However, a woman's behavior does affect how men respond to her. If you disagree, try this experiment. Have a woman try six months of wearing revealing clothing and having sex with every guy she dates. Then have her try six months of dressing modestly and staying celibate. I guarantee that you will see a difference in the kind of men who are drawn to her as well as how her relationships work out.
@Twanna I want to emphasize that I think you are a nice person, and I wish the best for you. It takes courage to put yourself out there, and I applaud you for it. Also, yes, it's possible for a person to get an STI from one sexual experience. However, statistically speaking, you are more likely to contract an STI by having sex with multiple partners than if you are monogamous (of course, with an equally monogamous partner). Just like you are more likely to get blown up if you run through a mine field with one hundred mines than if you ran through one with two or three. By the way, I am glad that you have be able to remain disease free. That's is a testimony, I'm sure, to the effectiveness of using condoms.
Continue being the lovable Funky Brown!
@ NML: You rock!!!
@ lamesabassman: True. Can't please everyone.
@ Manuel: You said, "Love yourself first and foremost." That's like the Golden Rule of all interpersonal relationships.
@ Anjuan: Thanks for sharing your opinions, and thanks for the support! :)
@ Rochelle: Yes, yes. R. Kelley should DEFINITELY take note.
I actually married my sexually extroverted friend.
I liken peoples reaction to this..... Some people will see a brown dress and think it looks like shit....others will see a wonderful chocolate mousse.
People will see what they want to see ( usually something that co-signs their agenda and makes them feel better about themselves at your expense)
Take care, and keep your head up....
PS threesomes aren't really freaky.....unless farm animals are included =P