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"Damn it! I've only had sex once or twice today." :(
My exboyfriends and flings all know I have a very high sex drive :)
So, again, it's not about being in a relationship or not ... or about being single or being married. The question was: Is “having good sex” a basic human need? Would love to hear your thoughts :)
world wide....
lamesabassman.... and my stock in Pampers would be smokin'....
My wife and I had been together for about 7 years and have been married for a little over 5 yrs. and now separated for 2 additional yrs. she's 43, I'm 56.
We started out as friends who both had a passion for good music and the arts, we had met in the corporate environment and since our first meeting always kept in touch and we would get together and do things when either of us was between relationships after losing my job and becoming disenchanted with living in chicago and a 2 hour commut each way to my job i moved out of chicago in the hot fall of 1999, back to my home stomping ground 45 miles n.w. of the city. and 2 years later when we both got dumped by our significant others, we began a long-distance 50 mile friendship / relationship until she got pregnant.
[she pursued me after a long string of discontent beaus, ..it appears her biological clock was ticking and she needed a bun in the oven and i was the baited sucker],
Before that we had a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't have wanted to be with anyone else.
Here's our 2 problems:
I still have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas she became increasingly non-sexual, especiall after we started living together,
before that we had good sex on a regular basis atleast several times every weekend. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking. and we now have a beautiful 5 yr old girl.
but after we got married, she would rather twiddle her clit than have intercourse. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, and i had plenty of "hungry and well satisfied"girlfriends before we hooked up,
I know my way around the bedroom quite well, and I'm an open-minded guy—but my wife became super inhibited and wasn't ever interested after we got married, "I'm not in the mood, now's not a good time for me, I'm reading a book, bla bla bla". She and her lame excuses. we even fought about having sex on our honeymoon... having sex only 1 time in the missionary position halfway through a 2 week honey moon, does not make for the beginning of a happy marriage ..
And the sex she did give me became just as LAME, we had sex together about 2 times a year if I was lucky, and I had to pressure her into it, and then she only wanted it strictly missionary style.
after she got pregnant in fall of 2003 it was 3 years before she caved into having sex again and i had to guilt her into it while we were away on a hot tropical vacation and the neighbors were keeping us up until dawn with their sexual antics.. i told her that could/should be us, and at first i got the usual I'm not in the mood BS, so i said sometimes you just have to give in and let the mood happen,
so i guilted her into breaking our 3 &1/2 yr dry spell, and she agreed that it was good and that she had gotten into the mood and had felt very frisky after we got going, and I gave her several O's.
but then we didnt have sex again for another year or so. And what is even worse, I know for a fact, which she has feely admitted to, the solo sex she gives herself while I was at work or elsewhere, happened three times a week or more and during each session she gives herself 2 to 5 orgasms, and i have even woken up at night and caught her masterbating in bed next to me, and when I call her on it, she said she didn't want to bother me...and when i say lets do it . then all of a sudden she's not in the mood ..and i get angry as a hornet... that she'll pleasure herself under the covers, but at the same time spurn and refuse me.
The topic has been and was discussed & argued ad infinitum over the years, "that i did not get married not to get laid".
She's admitted that her sex drive had been a problem in her previous relationships, but she was stubbornly unwilling to do anything about or discuss it for that matter.
This is how it was before we separated 2 yrs ago because she decided to throw away her good paying job and our family, to run off with a homeless unemployed former crack head drug addict alcoholic homicidal carreer criminal that she met passing by the house one summer day, and that she now claims to be in head over heels in love with and from what I've found out fucks his brains out on a regular basis, because his brash lawlessness and criminality excites her, but with me a nice descent responsible type of guy who has always taken care of her, i get no respect or propers.
[in the course of the past year he has threatend to murder our daughter unless my wife takes him back, so she goes back to him, everytime one of us puts him in jail for murderous threatening phone calls or criminal dammage to our property, slashed tires, kicked in fenders, broken windows in the house, etc.. he's been in jail 7 times over the past year and she keeps bailing him out and paying his fines,
but before she met up with this lout, she was never willing to contribute financially to our marriage, even though she always made more money than me,
saying that it was her belief that it is a husbands duty to pay for everything ... [yeah that was cause for another big headache full of arguments too.]
Also She was never interested in going out with any of my family or friends either, except for constantly running off to do things with her girlfriends who still lived in the city. partying? drinking?
so when tension was high and i knew i wasnt going to get laid, i would either go out alone for a drink or to visit my friends alone.
but afterward when I came home at a later than usual hour, she would grill me for hours wanting a moment by moment replay of the evening, upon which I must explain my every moment to her.
...or be sleep deprived.
..but when she's with this criminal dude they go out and get drunk together, just like she used to when she went out dbinge drinking with her girlfriends in colllege..
after we started going out her drinking slowed way down, [as i was against it] and after we got married and she got PG she never drank again except for an occasional glass of wine with a meal.
But now, she's back to drinking like a fish again with her criminal boyfriend ...
they end up getting into fights, he threatens to kill her and our daughter and me, she has him arrested, she bails him out, etc etc. and it starts all over again,
but for some obtuse reason, she keeps telling me that its all my fault .. but can't tell me why its my fault because I just wouldn't understand ! figure that one out !?!?!!?
the even bigger problem is that she has tried to kidnap our daughter and to run off with this dude and the courts do nothing about it..
it has become one big expensive legal headache.. and left me nearly broke.
..so after blowing $20,000 and trying to get custody of my daughter over the last year and getting nowhere with the court system,
because my wife keeps pulling under-handed things, like calling the police and saying that I have a gun and am holding my daughter hostage against my wifes will,
..so the state came to my house, busted down the doors to my house and took all of my guns away, and once again I had togo to court prove my innocense,
but afterward in doing so, the state kept the guns, for fear that I would use them to retaliate against her and her crazy boyfriend...
so she gloats about that like it is a victory .. that she was able to cause me additional grief by tormenting me like this.. because i refuse to give up my parental rights to my daughter.
or on another occasion her going to DCFS and telling them that I'm an unfit father, or bringing the police to my house on thankgiving day,
saying it was her weekend to have my daughter, and taking my daughter away with her, when in reality it wasnt her weekend,
that kind of bitter, vidictive, manipulative BS is what she pulls, and I have to put up with it , time and time again ...
because now that we are no longer together, she wants total control of our daughters life, and i wont allow her to have her way.
..because she thinks being the mother should entitle her to having custody of our daughter and not me .... she's delusional.
so we keep ending up in court to a great expense, only for her to be proven a liar, and because I cant afford to keep fighting her, ..we both now have equal parenting time.
..so my concentration has been to keep a stable family life for my daughter as much as is possible,
while my 43 yo self absorbed narcissistic wife runs around like a regressive irresponsible adolescent teenager,
who goes out binge drinking with her psychotic homicidal sociopathic boyfiend.
The one good thing is ithat I managed to get a restraining order against her forbidding her taking our daughter any where near her nut-case, wack-job lover.
I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to say fuck it all, and fuck a string of horny nympho ho's or prostitutes,
but for now, my wife has completely turned me off to women in general, I now see the word "TROUBLE" largely emblazened on their foreheads in invisible ink ...
and what I have mentioned here is just the tip of the iceburg ...Any thoughts? anybody want to chirp in their opinion?
oak clusters..... to say that you were blind-sided..... Dang.... you must have been
truly in love to hand in there for sooooo long..... let me tell ya..... she is missing you like hell right now.... and you know why..... 'cause NOBODY will take what
she is selling as long as you did.....and you didn't do anything but love her and what she didnt let on what was the subrosa baggage within .... had you knew the
depth of the baggage.... I doubt that you would have not held on for so long....
now you have to secure your daughter future so you can have some peace....
and with the ex-wife and her boyfriend deal..... you might have to make an
offer that she cannot refuse......
lamesabassman....... hang tough.... better days are comin' at ya......
As for frequency, sustaining a twice a day pace in the long run is difficult; life, fatigue, and scheduling conflicts get in the way. Do you think if your frequency of coupling when in a relationship went at a slower pace your relationships would last longer?
Unfortunately, lots of people behave in ways that aren't deserving of keeping a partner but they still find relationships because more than enough people willing to settle for less. :( Ooh, ooh, ooh, that reminds me, I totally want to plug tomorrow's Oprah!!!
http://www.oprah.com/dated/oprahshow/oprahshow-...
Dump him, Rihanna. Dump him!! ;)
By the way, as I mentioned in my email, I'm waaaay more likely to expect "more" from my partner than "less." I', learning the art of compromise.
By the way, you ask: "Do you think if your frequency of coupling when in a relationship went at a slower pace your relationships would last longer?"
Good question. :) My answer: nope. To date, I haven't found any correlation between the # of times I have sex and the duration of my relationships. Frequency has stayed the same, whether the relationship lasted several months or several years.
for 2 long you were standing at the crossroads of Life waiting for the light to change.... while fully realizing now that you're the Light that change must revolve
around..... and when that happens..... well, boy howdy, you can really filter
the cheese very well..... only you know just what you are bringing to the table... the rest are soooo clueless to the depth of your wonderfulness... but ... whose
who take time to really take you into their heart.... ahhh.... that where the fun
is.....
and since the love you make equals to the love you take... the frequency of
coupling in a relationship depends on the pace one sets in the very
beginning of the relationship..... if you base it on the mind..... it could last
forever ... if both minds are on the same page..... and ... if you base it on sex..
the sex will be hellacool for a NY minute.... then it's " wake me when you're
done... 'cause you're the only one having fun" time.... and that's when stuff
starts to drift...... and.... you will roam elsewhere.....
soooo .... Bravo to you, Twanna...... for life and all it's smiles is on point and coming your way...... sooner than you think......
lamesabassman....... May the Force be with you.....
But seriously, I think sex is great. I think Good sex is fantastic. I think bad sex is horrible. I just don't think I can die with or without any of them, however. Now if the sex is soo smokin that it kills me......well thats just a risk I'll have to take. But not having it really doesn't phase me that much.
I guess the larger question is which would you rather have? No sex or Bad sex? because afterall " good sex" is unfortunately not the norm for most people. And yet and still....they get along.
Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?
http://funkybrownchick.com/2009/01/23/bad-sex-w...
Also, you bring up a good point. No all sex = good sex. If I had to say a percentage -- what % is good and what % isn't -- I guess I'd have to go with "depends on the guy."
You know how you see blow up sex dolls? Imagine one of those without the vibrating feature. THAT'S Bad sex. Somebody who is inanimate.
It's funny, as a child i used to read these books called " the heroes in hell" it was written by a bunch of sci fi fantasy writers. The premise of it was that " who goes to hell?" famous people do because of all the scratching, clawing and backbiting you have to do to make it. napoleaon ends up living next door to Wellington. Everyone involved in ancient rome ends up living together.....That was hilarious. but one of the things that also happened in hell, was that you can have all the sex you want, but you just can't seem to orgasm........
That's bad sex.....or hell.... depending on how you cut it.
if you can get your hands on one..... check out the last 20 minutes.....
lamesabassman...... killer stuff....
;)
is marvel at the wonders of butterflies.... and not at all in to her...
and she has to endure that need that wont get fed for all eternity
lamesabassman...... long time ... no nut..... killer....
a hot dog from Pink's..... a long drive in a 930 up the PCH..... it will rock your world...
and stay in your brain like that first kiss you got when you didn't think you were gonna
get one.... bad sex...... will leave a bad taste in your mouth ( no pun intended )... like
being told to eat your veggies when you dont wanna.....
lamesabassman...... but ... does any port in a storm strike a familiar tone..... hmmmm
and..... on some dark and enchanted evening..... the back lot .... moves....
thus...... the kinda stunning connotation for a mundane bassist type swerve
observational tip......
lamesabassman...... dont follow leaders and watch your parking meters..
lamesabassman...... did the Earth ..... move.
lamesabassman......... a ground pounder.... fer sure......
I think the same goes for us married folk. Sometimes all I need is a great hug or a rub of my back to feel complete. Good, raw, sex is a wonderful compliment, but unfortunately, we have gone months without it. Did it make us feel like we were going to die? Maybe. Did we? Obviously not.
There's no shame in holding out, though. Just imagine how mind-blowing that sex is going to be with that dude that "makes your skirt fly up."
with.... and I mean totally.... then whatever you do together will be beautiful..... if there is no
trust at all...... then you're just killing time, 'cause this tree is not going to bend to no wind..
trust..... without it .... we are just going thru the motions of Love....
lamesabassman...... with no climax.......
on some nights when I filter the cheese and decide to fly solo.....
lamesabassman...... owner of a lonely heart.... but have a wicked tennis backhand.....
love the blog... peace and love
lamesabassman..... May the Force be with you.....
I'm not sure I see a basic need that way. I see it as something that is necessary to have not just a life, but a fulfilled life. I mean, we all know that food is a basic human need - if we don't eat for long enough, we die. However, we could survive by eating the same bland, tasteless gruel everyday - but it would be an unfulfilled life, a life that wouldn't feel worth living. The basic need of being fulfilled wouldn't be met.
And I think the need to be fulfilled is a basic one, even if not having it met doesn't result in death.
Warmth, affection, appreciation, intimacy are things that all people crave. Having these things can contribute to a life that feels more fulfilled - so I guess the desire for them could be considered a basic need. And since sex CAN fulfill all of those I guess the desire for good sex can be considered a basic need.
That's what I guess. Here's what I know. I've been in a relationship for 13 years in which the sex has always been lacking. I've battled with it. Tried to make things better. Blamed myself, blamed him, realized that no one was to blame - that's just the way it is. But even though no one was to blame, it's eaten away at me - my sense of self, my self-esteem. But by bit, little by little, the lack of a fulfilling sex life has diminished me as a person. I am alive, yes, at times, I have felt as though I exist under only the most limited, basic ideas of what life is. I have barely felt like a person.
And then, recently, something happened. Another man who I found attractive started flirting with me and the flirting progressed into something more, and just once - so far - we had what may be the best sex I've ever had - certainly the best I've had in 13 years. And suddenly I feel alive in ways I haven't in ages. The person I see looking back at me in the mirror is someone I haven't seen in YEARS!! She has a sparkle in her eye, her skin is aglow, she looks like she feels good and is ready to tackle the world - and she's me!!! My confidence is returning, my sense of myself, my desire to enjoy life is renewed.
This is what good sex is doing for me. So yes, I think the need for good sex is basic. If you just want to be alive, I guess no sex, or any sex is fine. But to really LIVE - I think good sex is important, vital.
Of course, all of this is based on someone with a naturally robust sex drive. I suppose someone with a more anemic sex drive would be just as alive without sex as with. But for someone like me who craves sex, life without it is just going through the motions.